The New York Office Finally Used My Idea Of Bringing Kelly Keegs On Stream, But Like Everything They Do, Fumbled It Very Badly

So the Guardians lost the series 4-1. Does it suck? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Did I want to go to the World Series? Yes. But did we have the better team? No, we did clearly not. No one cares about that anymore though, especially the phony Yankees fans (of which there were clearly many) in the New York Office who couldn’t even watch their team celebrate because their backs were turned to the TV, worrying about me. So yeah, let’s talk about what everyone wants to talk about…..

Hand up, I became the first person in the history of sports to not allow the opposing team to douse me in champagne following a heartbreaking playoff loss. And of course, the New York office, who I just ran circles around for an entire week while they were quite literally out to lunch, gathered in their little echo chamber afterwards and took victory laps saying that I “ran away”. I find that to be the funniest part of this entire ordeal. The internet appears to be about 90% on the side of “why would you ever let someone douse you in champagne after losing a series, let alone someone who came in with 2 outs in the Bottom of the 10th in a 3 run game, after saying all week they didn’t want to engage in content with you?” But then you look at Klemmer’s twitter, the big Yankee fan he is, and he's so giddy with excitement that you’d think he just reversed the universal truth both inside and outside the walls of this company that he was hired because he’s essentially a circus freak from the 1800s where they displayed the world's most abnormal creatures, not because he’s talented. 

Now let me say this, since the New York Office has made it clear where they stand on the losing team getting sprayed with champagne: I look forward to tonight when the Mets fans lead by example and, if they lose, allow Dodgers fans to spray them while they stand there sulking in heartbreak. But actually, I’m cheering for the Mets now…..so it can be a Subway Series in which the winner gets to spray the loser with champagne, like they all said was the proper move last night. I look forward to seeing Meek Phil shoot his load right into Tommy Smokes mouth should the Mets win. Or Marty Mush can point it directly into KFC’s sad, sunken face and ruin his dumb, oversized hat that his kid gave him (rest of the sentence redacted).

That’s right Kevin. I heard all about how you were too old for the drama this week. That you’re not at that point in your career anymore. That it just wasn’t for you. So when I saw your first tweet about me not allowing the champagne spray (which you would NEVER do and you know it), I figured I’d take the high road and not respond. And even when I saw your second tweet about me, I decided I’d let you have your fun, despite publicly saying you didn’t want anything to do with this. But then I saw your third tweet…..

(Please let it be known that I have chosen to be the bigger person here and have deleted the paragraph that I had typed out in response to this truly hilarious take on the situation from the one person who simply can't have this take). I'll just say this: it's disappointing to hear that I ruined my career from the person who literally wrote the book on how to ruin their career. 

As for the Kelly situation, first of all, you’re welcome for the idea. Forget the fact that I’ve referenced it being a big swing and miss in my blogs that you haven’t been on the streams, but here’s a direct quote from Dave on The Unnamed Show on Thursday: “Kelly Keegs, if I were her, I would’ve donned a Yankee jersey and been on the streams”. And then it finally clicked to this bunch of geniuses that hold their Mensa meetings Monday through Thursday in the office from 11-2….maybe we should have Kelly on the stream! But unfortunately, she "didn't want to engage". Because here is a quote from Kelly on the Stool Scenes this week, that has my pretty little face on the thumbnail and is all about me (would’ve had a picture of a sandwich and been 8 minutes long if I didn’t make the trip): “I think I will just avoid him forever. We don’t have to speak. We don’t have to talk to eachother. So I’m just gonna steer clear”. 

I think anyone with a brain realizes that you cannot walk onto a stream, in an elimination game, in the Bottom of the 10th, in a 3 run game, when someone who actually cares about their team is about to have a heartbreaking loss…..and spray them with champagne. It’s one thing if you were there for all 15 hours of streaming (should’ve been), but it’s another to try and come in for quite literally the last 15 seconds and get to be the star of the show. But the funny thing is….she really could’ve done that, if she was just a little more quick witted. The fact that the entire New York office put their heads together and came up with this master plan (take a look at EVERYONE’S Twitter bumping the stream after Soto’s home run), but not one of them thought…..hey, what’s the plan if he doesn’t just sit there and let her spray him? How do you not wait until I put my hands over my face when we lose and just let her unleash from behind? I never would've seen her or it coming. Instead, she rolls in with her friends Yankees jersey and one-stream-long Phillies fan Gia’s Yankees hat, holding a bottle of champagne high into the sky like she was waltzing into the 12-year-old's Taylor Swift themed birthday party with a bottle of sparkling apple juice.

Hmm, what could they possibly have planned? Anyone in their right mind doesn’t give her the satisfaction. Think if the shoe were on the other foot and the Guardians won this series. Would Hubbs, Tommy, and Mush have allowed me to spray them with champagne? Wait, at least we all sat there together and watched. How about if I waited until the Guardians had the series undoubtedly in hand, walked over to the person who had mutually agreed not to do anything with at all, and then demanded she allow me to douse her in champagne.

I keep watching the clip over and over again, laughing at the point where she realizes that I outsmarted her once again. Proved for about the 100th time that I'm mentally quicker, but now I've shown I'm physically quicker as well. And then she sort of demands, sort of begs me to come back and just let her have her moment, like I owed her something. No, if you’re going to sit on the sidelines and not play ball, don’t show up to a series you don’t care about and try and have your moment. Then she proceeds to chase me with a bottle of champagne to spray on me, her smoker's lungs catch up with her, and she turns to the camera and screams "This is crazy!". People are making jokes like Tate finally got her to show up to work on a weekend, or that the NY Office proved once again they need Tate to make any sort of content….and while both true, I don’t really care about those clear and obvious points. What I care about is how she cut her Miami trip short to fly home to New York and spike the ball on my face, but she fumbled at the goal line. So close, Kelly! But so on brand for the New York office to use someone else’s idea and still ruin it. 

Up 5-2 in the Bottom of the 10th with 1 out left with a bottle of champagne ready (unopened though, that seemed to give her trouble)….but the fact of the matter is, Kelly Keegs was in a Win/Win situation and still found a way to lose.

I’m sure New York employees and maybe Yankee Dave and/or Kirk will continue to act like the move to allow someone who just showed up for the final batter to spray me with champagne, but that’s because of how bad I've rattled them. I'll have evidence, as usual, ready for anyone that wants to debate that leaving was the wrong move. Losers assemble in small groups and complain about the Winners to the point where they actually think they’re right. And that’s what we have here….the New York Office is trying to convince themselves that despite the main account (6 million followers), Viva La Stool, and all of them all using their platforms to tweet, quote tweet, and press the issue that I ran away….everyone is still like, uh, you guys are losers, stole his idea, and still fumbled the ball on the goal line? Could I have stayed there and basked in my glory, shouting that once again, they needed me to make something interesting? Sure, but I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of sitting out all week and then coming in to spray something in my face after a loss. And neither would they. And neither would you.